Pencil sketch of petunias with a dark center blooming in a leafy vine at the bottom of the image.

The Qowat Milat Stories were a series of status updates, lost to Facebook in the purge after my censorship. Originally, I’d updated cryptic updates I’d left like breadcrumbs for myself in the year of 2011, during the secret rekindling of love between my husband and me. I was in an emotionally dangerous situation, and the status updates I made were designed to trigger specific memories for myself. At the time, I didn’t know if I was going to find a way out of that place, and recording it in this method was a safe way for me to honor something beautiful and alive, without risk of being punished.

In 2020, I began unpacking them on the anniversary of the day the original status was posted. The format was extremely effective- I’d post the original status, along with my insights and personal explanations behind what was really happening. It detailed the full account of rekindling my relationship with my husband, from our initial reunion after a decade apart, on through to our private hand fasting on a sailboat under the full moon. From March to September, this unique format was one of the most rewarding series of writings I’ve ever had the privilege to create. Losing them was devastating, and I’m unsure if I will ever be able to recapture the purity that this style of journaling afforded me.

I will, to the best of my ability as a writer, attempt to recreate this magic. The format, unfortunately, will have to take a new shape, but I hope this reinvention of something that meant so much to me will foster its own special witchery.  I've compiled an outline in chronological order.  I can't recreate the breadcrumbs, but I find much of my clarity deep in his eyes, so when I lose the path, I find myself anew in him.  As such, the path will be carved out in this new format.  I am toying with writing the experiences as if first hand, in a way that I was unable to safely do.  It would involve publishing the pieces backdated, and I'd organize them with a specific tag to line them up more easily for my faithful few to read and enjoy.  I am particularly fond of this concept for re-creating the series, because it gives me the power to give license to the version of me from 10 years ago, writing the pieces in past-present tense.  I feel like this is a magic trick to give 2011 Pea the forum- the safe access to truth and expression- that she desperately needed and couldn't then risk.  By backdating the publications in this blogged format, I can heal a wound a decade old.  When I'm ready to begin, I will adjust the publication date of this piece to be one day before the first installment of The Qowat Milat Stories.

I think this is a brilliant idea.  What a powerful way to heal.  To share.  To relive, and to honor the best within myself and my becoming.

Handwritten, cursive signature says "pea flower tea" in lowercase letters. The flower is a small sketch of a bloom, instead of the word for "flower".
Pencil sketch of petunias with a dark center blooming in a leafy vine at the bottom of the image.
Originally published 11.29.2020, pea 🌸 tea.
If an idea doesn't explode orgasms of bright sparks, cascading into and setting my own dark places alight, then I probably won't write about it.

Tell me something that moves you.

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